It's 2009: Do You Know Who These Children Are?

There's a lot of things about my life that changed once I entered the world of celebrity gossip. For instance, I now know how to spell names that I once had to keep on a list in front of me while I worked. Examples: Matthew McConaughey, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Phillippe, Shia LaBeouf, Hayden Panettiere, Milo Ventimiglia, James Rousseau, Rafaello Follieri. Okay, I lied. That last one I had to look up again. Damnit. (He's Anne Hathaway's ex-bf who pretended to work with the Pope to steal money and is now rotting away in jail. For those of you who didn't know.) Hayden and Milo really double teamed me on the misspellings but luckily they just split up. Creepy Milo will fall off the radar and I'll only have to think about the double Ts single R in Hayden's name. Macaulay Culkin is also a tough one but he's not really around anymore. I'm so glad Tom Cruise is done promoting his movie, because Valkyrie was KILLING me. But anyway, my point is, in a celebrity spelling bee I can hold my own.

My latest problem has been conquering the world of teenyboppers. See, I have always thought of myself as a teenybopper. I love the girl power anthems and the cheesy boy bands. But then, today, I had to write about the Jonas Brothers. [insert the sound of a record screeching to a halt here]. Huh? Yeah, I was right there with you, once upon a time. I don't entirely get the appeal of these three brothers. And then I look at them and if for some reason they start to look cute, and I start to get it, I start feeling old and gross and all Mary Kay Letourneau.

 I used to pride myself on not being able to tell them apart. I mean, c'mon. Now there's a line I won't ever cross. Or so I thought. I had to write about them, and I realized that somehow — I don't know when or how or why it happened — I knew which one was Joe, which one was Nick and which one was Kevin. Luckily when I wikipedia'd I realized I was wrong on the age order. (Which in case you were wondering goes Kevin, Joe, Nick in descending age). Then, I was alarmed to find out I knew Joe's current girlfriend: Camilla Belle. (Not to be confused with Camila Alves, single L, and Matthew McConaughey's baby mama).

All of a sudden, before I could help it, a flood of information came to mind. Joe used to date Taylor Swift before he broke up with her on a 27-second phone call. She then wrote a song on her new album based on their break up and called it Forever & Always. He left her for Camilla Belle, whom he had met on the set of a Jonas Brothers video. (Confession: I heart Taylor Swift. I sing her songs to myself when I'm alone, even Teardrops on my Guitar ... and especially Love Story. I almost ALWAYS root for brunettes over blondes but I'm really disappointed in Joe's choice of Camilla). Now Nick is also quite the stud. He dated Miley Cyrus and then Selena Gomez. I'm fairly positive there was some meanness on the side of Miley —who is just, in my opinion, an entire other teenage phenomena I can't understand. Like who are you? Hannah Montana or Miley? WTF!? Stop MESSING WITH MY BRAIN PEOPLE! Isn't one personality enough? It was for Britney! Well... nevermind. The British accent. Moving on.

Kevin's the least popular of the brothers, and some might say the ugliest. But I wouldn't say that because they are teenagers and teenagers have self esteem problems. I'm all about the love and support of the next generation. Anyways, at the very, very least, I didn't know Kevin had a girlfriend. But then, there it was in the photo caption, staring me right in the face: "his girlfriend, Danielle Deleasa". SHIT!!!!!!!!!! What was I to do? I can't unlearn that now! This information is just sitting there, in my brain, permanently embedded. There's a motherfreaking LINE and I just crossed it. Next thing you know, I'll be running around malls with my Team Taylor shirt on, chasing the poor boys for their autographs and asking the BF to buy me these next Valentine's Day.