Bobbit is back?

Me: "Hi whatsup?"
Molly: "Hey there I'm actually at work and I am triaging patients (which means that they write on a paper why they are here and then I am the first person to evaluate them) and someone just handed me a paper that says "rip penis". So I'll be right back."

Well that just puts it all into perspective doesn't it? Guess this is the equivalent of me not being able to to g-chat with anybody once a celebrity dies, although that's happening so often these days I'm really learning how to multitask quite nicely.

Death by Jenny Craig

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against fat people. Or maybe I do. But that's besides the point. I just really hate it when their life choices start interfering with me. This morning a delivery man kept incorrectly buzzing my apartment from downstairs. After the first buzz I just let him in like I do everyone else since I work from home and the FedEx people have figured this out and won't leave me alone. Then as the buzzing continued I thought it might be doing irreparable damage to my sanity, so after 15 minutes I went to my intercom and asked him who he was looking for. "Lenny Freeman" he said exasperated. "You've got the wrong person." Buzzzzzzz. "I'M NOT LENNY FREEMAN!" "I meant to say Wendy Friedman." "I am neither of those people." "Well I have your diet food delivery!"

Ah, so it was clearly not for me regardless of the name. "Listen, I don't eat diet food nor do I need it, so please stop trying to push it on me. What apartment are you looking for?" He told me the apartment number from downstairs. Ah, that bitch from below finally realized she was fat and ugly and was going to do something about it. "You need to press the button below mine." I calmly told him. Buzzzzzzzzz. I tried to ignore it. Buzzzzzzzz. "STOP IT!!" "Come down here!" Oh yeah right like I was going to come meet that maniac. "LOOK if you can't get this girl her food that is NOT my problem. It's probably her fault she's fat so let her gain weight and just leave it downstairs or eat it yourself but please GO AWAY."

There was silence on the other end. I didn't know if he had been let up and was coming to murder me with his bags of diet food or if he had just left. But the irony of it all was that I had been about to grab lunch and was now scared to leave my apartment. So I had to sit there, starving, and thinking about how I could probably use any kind of food at the moment even diet food. Maybe this is how this program makes you lose weight. They send scary angry men to come yell at you through your intercom until you are too frightened to exit or let anyone in. Probably slims you down faster than South Beach.

Creepy McCreeperson

I was sitting in my bed, minding my own business, working, and all of  a sudden I turn around and this old lady is staring at me from across the window. I usually keep the shades drawn but I wanted to check out the snowstorm outside, so they happened to be open. Luckily, since it is so freezing, I had a sweatshirt on and wasn't in my usual state of undress. I've never noticed this woman before and it looks like she has an apron on, so I'm hoping she's a housekeeper and isn't permanently setting up shop. Although, now she's on the portable phone so if she's a housekeeper that is kind of scandalous right? Or not at all, I'm just making drama up in my head which wouldn't be the first time. I was really creeped out until I realized that I'm the sketchy one, staring at her, blogging, posting her picture — albeit a fuzzy one to protect her privacy. Ok, that's a lie... I'm too lazy to go downstairs and get my real camera. Is this what the movie Disturbia was like?

It's 2009: Do You Know Who These Children Are?

There's a lot of things about my life that changed once I entered the world of celebrity gossip. For instance, I now know how to spell names that I once had to keep on a list in front of me while I worked. Examples: Matthew McConaughey, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Phillippe, Shia LaBeouf, Hayden Panettiere, Milo Ventimiglia, James Rousseau, Rafaello Follieri. Okay, I lied. That last one I had to look up again. Damnit. (He's Anne Hathaway's ex-bf who pretended to work with the Pope to steal money and is now rotting away in jail. For those of you who didn't know.) Hayden and Milo really double teamed me on the misspellings but luckily they just split up. Creepy Milo will fall off the radar and I'll only have to think about the double Ts single R in Hayden's name. Macaulay Culkin is also a tough one but he's not really around anymore. I'm so glad Tom Cruise is done promoting his movie, because Valkyrie was KILLING me. But anyway, my point is, in a celebrity spelling bee I can hold my own.

My latest problem has been conquering the world of teenyboppers. See, I have always thought of myself as a teenybopper. I love the girl power anthems and the cheesy boy bands. But then, today, I had to write about the Jonas Brothers. [insert the sound of a record screeching to a halt here]. Huh? Yeah, I was right there with you, once upon a time. I don't entirely get the appeal of these three brothers. And then I look at them and if for some reason they start to look cute, and I start to get it, I start feeling old and gross and all Mary Kay Letourneau.

 I used to pride myself on not being able to tell them apart. I mean, c'mon. Now there's a line I won't ever cross. Or so I thought. I had to write about them, and I realized that somehow — I don't know when or how or why it happened — I knew which one was Joe, which one was Nick and which one was Kevin. Luckily when I wikipedia'd I realized I was wrong on the age order. (Which in case you were wondering goes Kevin, Joe, Nick in descending age). Then, I was alarmed to find out I knew Joe's current girlfriend: Camilla Belle. (Not to be confused with Camila Alves, single L, and Matthew McConaughey's baby mama).

All of a sudden, before I could help it, a flood of information came to mind. Joe used to date Taylor Swift before he broke up with her on a 27-second phone call. She then wrote a song on her new album based on their break up and called it Forever & Always. He left her for Camilla Belle, whom he had met on the set of a Jonas Brothers video. (Confession: I heart Taylor Swift. I sing her songs to myself when I'm alone, even Teardrops on my Guitar ... and especially Love Story. I almost ALWAYS root for brunettes over blondes but I'm really disappointed in Joe's choice of Camilla). Now Nick is also quite the stud. He dated Miley Cyrus and then Selena Gomez. I'm fairly positive there was some meanness on the side of Miley —who is just, in my opinion, an entire other teenage phenomena I can't understand. Like who are you? Hannah Montana or Miley? WTF!? Stop MESSING WITH MY BRAIN PEOPLE! Isn't one personality enough? It was for Britney! Well... nevermind. The British accent. Moving on.

Kevin's the least popular of the brothers, and some might say the ugliest. But I wouldn't say that because they are teenagers and teenagers have self esteem problems. I'm all about the love and support of the next generation. Anyways, at the very, very least, I didn't know Kevin had a girlfriend. But then, there it was in the photo caption, staring me right in the face: "his girlfriend, Danielle Deleasa". SHIT!!!!!!!!!! What was I to do? I can't unlearn that now! This information is just sitting there, in my brain, permanently embedded. There's a motherfreaking LINE and I just crossed it. Next thing you know, I'll be running around malls with my Team Taylor shirt on, chasing the poor boys for their autographs and asking the BF to buy me these next Valentine's Day.

Can You See The Resemblance?

BF: "Hey! You just walked over the subway grate! Like it was a real floor!"

Me: "Whaaat are you talking about. I only avoid them when I'm wearing heels."

BF: "No, you never walk over them. You don't think of them as solid ground."

Me: "Actually, you are confusing me with Toby."

To clarify, Toby is the puppy we took care of for my friend Josh while he was away a few weekends ago. Before he left, Josh told us Toby never walks over subway grates because, and this is a direct quote "He doesn't think of them as solid ground."

Guess my boyfriend still thinks I'm a four-legged animal.

You know you have become a hermit when...

Your friend gchats you to talk about how crazy it is snowing outside, and you have no idea what he's talking about until you walk over and open the blinds you were too lazy to open in the morning, after not having been outside since Sunday.

Nakedly Typing

Sometimes it gets really hot in my apartment, and it takes a lot of energy for me to move the couch to turn off the heater. So my solution is to take off my clothes and bask in the benefits of staying home by working topless. The other day I noticed that my blinds weren't closed all the way, and as I walked over to shut them I heard someone yell "NOOOOOO!!"

Hopefully someone tripped, hurt themselves, fell out a window, or something that didn't mean they were upset at missing out on the peep show they had been enjoying.

But I would totally have a fashionable leash...

I work from home all day, by myself. And it's safe to say I'm a fairly energetic person — although very lazy, which I admit sounds like a juxtaposition, but I assure you I am both — so working from home all day with no physical communication to other people can make me a little ... pent up. And here's where the lazy part comes in, as you might have realized, I'm not very self-motivating. So it's hard for me to convince myself it is worth going through the trouble of gettting dressed and cleaning myself up just to go outside for no reason. After all, I live in Manhattan — everything can be delivered to your doorstep.

But, I digress. My boyfriend lives with me — lucky him— and so he gets the pleasure of dealing with me when he gets home, after I haven't had human contact all day. When I first started working from home, which happened to coincide with the beginning of our cohabitation, the BF would come back from work and take me out to dinners or walk with me to Trader Joe's Wine Store (aka The Greatest Place On Earth).

One day we were walking home and he turned to me and said "You know, you're like a dog."

!!!!

"Excuse me, darling?" I asked really sweetly. Okay, no I actually turned to him and screamed "WHAT?!" at the top of my lungs, appalled at being called a canine by my supposed other half.

"Well, every day I come home from work and you have been cooped up all day so you are really excited to see me. You run to the door and give me a kiss and get all worked up and require a lot of attention. So I've been taking you for walks. After work. That way, you don't keep me up until 2 AM every day talking about whatever it is you talk about. And I get the chance to watch Sportscenter and catch some sleep."

Naturally, I was completely indignant at this revelation. I had not noticed that I was being lead around NYC like a pet, I thought we were just spending more time together and enjoying the city and going out on dates. Little did I know I was equivalent to the maltese yapping around at her owner's heels we had just passed on the street. Infuriated, I denied that I needed walking and huffed home with him as he laughed at my anger. 

We got home and he went to his computer to check his email, and I laid down on the couch, turned on the TV, fumed silently at our previous conversation ...

and immediately fell asleep.