Monday, July 6, 2009

Hot Wax and Adultery

I didn't mean to cheat. It just sort of ... happened. I've been faithfully going to my waxer Angela for over a year now. Usually I plan my appointments around her schedule, but last Wednesday I finished work later than expected and had to cancel. I stopped by the salon to see if she could squeeze me in, but the girl at the front desk told me my only options were to wait until this week or go with someone else. I felt like I was cheating on Angela, but my loyalty was no match for the fact July 4th weekend was about to begin, and I needed to lay out in my bikini sans shame.

While waiting for this new "Irene" chick in the front room, I heard Angela's voice coming closer. I couldn't bear the thought of her seeing me and realizing my unfaithfulness, so I ducked behind a plant until she left. I'm aware of how fully ridiculous this is, but I have guilt issues. Irene came out to escort me to a back room and as I lay down I heard a girl next to me have a mini-waxgasm. "Oh, Angela! It looks fabulous, OMG! Sooo perfect!"

Slut. She was totally faking it. Her shouting was entirely too loud to be convincing — like porn star loud.

All of a sudden, Irene, who was working on my brows, distracted me by saying "An artist should make paintings of your face." Well hello Irene! I looked up at her with new eyes and she continued in her Russian accent, "You are beautiful! I see a lot of faces, and you, you classic beauty." I blushed while secretly loving my new mistress and her praise — this whole cheating thing was turning out much better than expected. "You should model ..."(aww) "in Europe..." (too kind) "in the 19th century."

Screeeeeech. What?! I instantly ransacked my brain to remember what I learned when I took Art History. Picasso wasn't 19th century right? No he was 1900s. But maybe she's like me and gets confused with the whole "century" concept of changing the numbers, and maybe she MEANT 1900s and maybe she's inspired by Picasso and she should just STOP WAXING MY EYEBROWS before she makes my whole face look uneven!

I just smiled, tried to relax, and didn't say anything. "You are a classic beauty, not like the models that are popular now." I still didn't understand what she meant, but at this point, I was starting to think it wasn't a compliment.

"Are you Jewish?" Ughhhhhh!!! I should have seen this coming. I have recently developed a complex about my nose — I'm convinced its grown bigger than my face sometime in the past year — and this wasn't helping. I tried to tell myself it was a bad angle... after all, she had moved further south at this point. I changed the subject to get her talking about Russia. When she finished, I paid her tip right on the spot instead of leaving an envelope at the front, in the hopes I could avoid seeing Angela. It made me feel like I was paying a prostitute. A very nice prostitute, but still.

Now my only problem will be when I go back next month. Will I have to avoid Irene? She doesn't realize she's my mistress, so if I go to Angela she will think I was unsatisfied with her waxing techniques and unsuccessful attempts at compliments. But I can't just abandon Angela either. Disaster. As if it's not stressful enough getting waxed in the first place, now I have to worry about hurting someone's feelings. Well, there's always my modeling career in Europe waiting for me if anyone can find a time machine.

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