MFTF: Are You There Dad? It's Not Me, Your Daughter

Daddy dearest, is that you? Are you reading this right now? If so, please just don't tell me. I don't want to know you are following the stories I tell about being drunk, slutty, naked, and just plain disrespectful.

I emailed my father a bunch of my sister's graduation pictures, and he asked me why the file was so large. I rudely but lovingly told him to get with the 21st century and make a gmail account, since he still uses hotmail. He instantly replied with just his gmail address in the body. (Being a smartass runs in the family.) I asked him when he started that account and he said:

"couple of years now... :-) I set it up as my job search email. I do look at it though, it's the one tied to my facebook page (yes! facebook) OMG."

Say whaaaaaaaat!? No, your eyes are not deceiving you. No, I didn't add my own commentary into that quote. As it turns out, today is not just any day. Today is a very special day. Today is the day my father introduced "OMG" into his vocabulary.

And through my feelings of pride and dismay, I sensed the tiniest bit of sarcasm in his response. Could my father have — gulp — found my blog? Does he know my thoughts on him and Facebook? Daddy ... is that you?

If it is — I ask again — don't tell me. But I would like to inform you darling father that I have appreciated your constant Facebook status updates, the new Robin Hood character you recently created, and the wall post from your neighbor that apologizes for her drunk husband  — whom she refers to as "Monkey Man" — going "apeshit" on you at dinner. And I don't know how to properly express my genuine delight in your gift of a Jenny Appleseed plant. Only you Daddy ... only you.

I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that to me

Here are some gems the BF has said this week. You know, just in case the cab driver had inflated my ego too much.

Incident 1 

I ate chocolate and then put on flavored chapstick just as he was coming home. He walked over and kissed me, then looked simultaneously disgusted yet concerned.

 "Um, babe ... are you ok?"

"Yeah why?"

"Did you just throw up?"

Eek. Apparently Katy Perry was wrong about the whole cherry chapstick thing. (Little known fact: I know the ex-girlfriend of the guy who wrote that song, and  he based it on her. It was actually raspberry chapstick, but that was too many syllables. But, I digress).

Incident 2

I'm running out of Focus Dailies so I've been conserving my contacts for special occasions, i.e. whenever I'm seen in public. Because of this, the BF has mainly been seeing me with my glasses on. I put in my contacts and walk downstairs where the BF was watching TV. He lovingly cupped my face in his hands, stared deep into my eyes and said:

"We really should get you lasik."

Oh, wait. It gets better.

Incident 2.5

The BF heads upstairs as I'm done getting dressed and putting my makeup on. He looks at me with a stunned expression.

"What?" I say insecurely and pat my hair down to make sure it's not sticking up. 

"Is there something on my face?"

"No, it's just ... you look so, pretty."

Now this was not said in a compliment-like way it was said more like:

"You look... so... pretty?!?"

In total confusion, as if the word got away from him somehow before he could comprehend it. When he did realize how it came out, he aimed for a quick recovery with this winner:

"I mean of course you are pretty but I had just ... forgotten!"

Nice. 

Incident 3

I return from a satisfying Vietnamese dinner for my friend's birthday and crawl into bed, getting ready to doze off. The BF rolls over to cuddle up and just as I'm falling asleep he rubs my belly and suddenly says:

"Oh yeah! How was dinner?" He then squeezes my stomach. 

"I'm guessing good."

Guess I'm not the only one in this relationship with foot in mouth disease.

Maybe I'll wear a flip-flop on one foot and a galosh on the other?

Dear Weather.com,

What are you trying to tell me with this image? How is this at all helpful in preparing me for what is going on outside? Am I going to step out into a bright sunny day and then be attacked by a bolt of lightning while only half of me gets rained on? What kind of motherfreaking outfit am I supposed to wear? Is this because you have an inferiority complex since you have been so wrong lately about the weather, and this makes sure all of your bases are covered?

You are about as helpful as NYC traffic signals.

Thanks For the Confidence Boost

NYC Cab Driver: "So what do you do? What's your job?"

Me: "I'm a writer." 

Cabbie: "For what?" 

Me: "I write celebrity gossip."

Cabbie: "Oh."

brief pause

Cabbie: "What else do you do?"

Ouch.

Caught!

I love this picture I received in an email titled "Swine Flu Culprit." Loved it so much I had to post it. That and everyone is googling "swine flu" right now and I figure it'll get me a couple extra pageviews ;)

In all seriousness, check this out if you want to know if you have been infected.

When Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are making a photo op out of what Heidi calls "pig flue" then you know we have mass hysteria on our hands.