Almost As Clever As Mariah's 2008 Album Title

So I walked into the bathroom at Tonic one night and saw a group of girls huddled over a hot pink Blackberry:

Dumb Girl #1: "S-A-R ... then ...wait."

DG #2: "S-A-E ... no that's not right. S-A-R-G-A-N-T. Does that sound right?"

DG #3: "Yeah that is definitely it."

I couldn't help myself:

Me: "Are you girls trying to spell sergeant?"

DGs in unison: "YES!!! Do you know how?"

Me: "Yeah. It's S-E-R-G-E-A-N-T." 

I walk into a bathroom stall and repeat myself, slower, because apparently that was too fast for them.

DG #2: "Oh myyyyy gawwwwwd, you are like, a GE-NIUS! "

DG #3: "Total genius. Definitely."

DG #1: "Yeah, how did you know how to spell that? Do you know somebody in the police academy or something?"

Me: "No, I just knew how."

DG #3: "You are like, a LIFE SAVER. Like, a lifesaving genius. [turns to other DGs] So now, I can send the text right? Gawwwwd he probably reads my text messages out loud to everyone in the band and makes fun of me."

I silently agreed with her, at least the part about the boy making fun of her, but was slightly confused about the band reference. It made me think back to my marching band days, but that doesn't make sense because the person who would be the equivalent to a drill sergeant would be called a drum major. Duh. 

DG #2: "Girls, we have been in the bathroom for-freaking-ever. Maybe it's time to leave. We've already taken pictures and everything."

DG #1: "Yeah, you are right. We should leave. Bye genius!! Thanks again!"

DG #3: "P to the S Jennifer, I love your dress! Didn't you like wear that as a shirt last week?"

And then the door closed. So I never got to hear Jennifer's response to her friend's obviously backhanded compliment — I mean she simultaneously called her a slut and a fashion repeat offender in one fell swoop.

Genius.

Heroin Withdrawal

Seriously? The DP referenced Mean Girls? Seriously? As if it isn't hard enough leaving college for the real world, my alma mater has to torture me with witty ads quoting The Greatest Movie of All Time. Isn't it enough that when I ran into a Penn student at a NYC bar, he asked me what year I graduated, and his response to '06 was "Oh WOW!" Isn't it enough for me to know most of the people reading this are waking up when I'm almost ending work, are probably already drunk, talking about Smokes, and OMG — it's Tuesday. Kweder. There are no words.

These sweatpants are all that fits me right now

I'm sorry I haven't written in forever. I spent Christmas in Paraguay with my entire family and it was amazing. P.S. Business class is the only way to travel. On the way home they tried to downgrade me to coach after I checked in too late, I through a fit (in true latin diva fashion — J. Lo would have been proud) and they put me on a flight direct home in business class... and then the special chair shattered my cell phone. Karma's a bitch.

Traveling wasn't so fun for the BF who was meeting the entire clan for the first time — due to a series of delays it took him 50 hours to get down to Py, and after spending two nights at various airports he was greeted with about sixty family members, all excitedly greeting him in Spanish (which he doesn't speak). Within an hour of arriving at my aunt's house he was forced to join everyone in a large circle where everyone took turns telling the person next to them how much they meant to that person and why — out loud to the entire family. He was also asked to start off a night of karaoke with a solo rendition of New York, New York. And by asked I mean my very overprotective cousins and uncles handed him a microphone and demanded "sing, child" in the voice of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Ok not really, but I love that movie. Just so everyone knows, he passed all tests thrown at him with flying colors and was told he is now one of "los perros."

Anyways... my first day in Asuncion I went to the mall, or rather "to the shopping" as everyone down there says. Making the verb a noun — my kind of people. As we were walking in my cousin graciously noted that I am "more big boned than her" and I, a little surprised, tried not to think anything of it since she is microscopic and walked into an Argentinian based fashion shop.  I looked at a pair of jeans and asked a salesperson if I could have them in a size 25. She looked at me and apologetically said, "No tenemos esa talle aca." Translation : we don't have that size here. I looked down at the jeans I was holding and saw they were a size 22 — which doesn't even exist in the states. I looked at her and asked imploringly, "Y un 24?" She told me that they SOMETIMES carry those but they were all out since that was so rare, she threw a lot of "lo sientos" in there and and gave me pitying looks as I took my big bones and slinked out of the store.

Now, as far as I know, Latin people can be very thin, but not practically invisible. So how they didn't carry anything bigger than a 22 is beyond me. All I know is I had a serious flashback to The Greatest Movie of All Time, and thought about one positive thing that came from the experience — I'm one step closer to becoming Regina George. And I didn't even have to eat any Calteen bars to get there.

To slut, or not to slut?

Before we got attacked by a tree branch falling over in the hurricane force winds at Central Park, Cheyenne Jackson told me that Halloween is just an excuse to dress up like a slut. This was after he told me he once dressed up as a slutty boy scout. (Yes, he is an openly gay Broadway star). I in turn, of course quoted Mean Girls (I mean does a better movie even exist? The Original Blair Waldorf, Regina George was in it... hard to cap that) and said "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

And truth is, I fully support dressing slutty. In fact, before I went to my Ivy League college I dressed like a slut on a regular basis, and didn't even realize it. But hey, that's a whole other post about being Floridian which I will get to later.

Anyways, my point is, when does the appropriately slutty Halloween costume stop being appropriate? At what age is it not ok to wear a green bikini top, drape some leaves on yourself and say you are "Poison Ivy?" Or buy a 6-year old's firefighter's jacket wear it with a black bra and stilettos and then drunkenly pose with real firefighters?

I vote next year. When I am 25 (the most terrifying age in the history of the world...until you turn 30) then I will stop pondering whether I should be a sexy mental patient or a sexy referee or Lara Croft (who is, let's face it, just plain sexy).

Then I can concentrate on the "witty Halloween costumes." Like my friend who dressed in a black slip and wrote Freud on it and she was a Freudian slip. Or my "caught red-handed" friend who put a fishnet over his head and painted his hand red. Last year I tried to be witty by buying mouse ears and saying "Duh, I'm a mouse" but really I was Karen from Mean Girls but nobody got that and it fell flat and I found myself wishing I had dressed up as a sexy catwoman again instead. I did dress up as Bud Lite (bud shirt with glowsticks everywhere) and Bud Wiser (budweiser shirt with grey hair, beard and glasses) with the BF the night before though and that got rave reviews.

So yes... next year. You will see me completely appropriately clad.

Well, maybe.