MFTF: Are You There Dad? It's Not Me, Your Daughter

Daddy dearest, is that you? Are you reading this right now? If so, please just don't tell me. I don't want to know you are following the stories I tell about being drunk, slutty, naked, and just plain disrespectful.

I emailed my father a bunch of my sister's graduation pictures, and he asked me why the file was so large. I rudely but lovingly told him to get with the 21st century and make a gmail account, since he still uses hotmail. He instantly replied with just his gmail address in the body. (Being a smartass runs in the family.) I asked him when he started that account and he said:

"couple of years now... :-) I set it up as my job search email. I do look at it though, it's the one tied to my facebook page (yes! facebook) OMG."

Say whaaaaaaaat!? No, your eyes are not deceiving you. No, I didn't add my own commentary into that quote. As it turns out, today is not just any day. Today is a very special day. Today is the day my father introduced "OMG" into his vocabulary.

And through my feelings of pride and dismay, I sensed the tiniest bit of sarcasm in his response. Could my father have — gulp — found my blog? Does he know my thoughts on him and Facebook? Daddy ... is that you?

If it is — I ask again — don't tell me. But I would like to inform you darling father that I have appreciated your constant Facebook status updates, the new Robin Hood character you recently created, and the wall post from your neighbor that apologizes for her drunk husband  — whom she refers to as "Monkey Man" — going "apeshit" on you at dinner. And I don't know how to properly express my genuine delight in your gift of a Jenny Appleseed plant. Only you Daddy ... only you.

MFTF: My Sister Joins the Facebook Chronicles

I went on to Gmail the other day, unsuspectingly, and was greeted by a new email informing me my father had sent me a Facebook message. Fabulous. He told me that he couldn't remember which of my phones was working and he thought this was best way to contact me. Um... hello Daddy. Ever heard of a little thing called email? At this point I think he's just messing with me.

I was retelling the story to my sister, who apparently was sick of being the only sibling not friends with our father. She informed me that not only had she friended him, she had written on his wall: "I really can't believe you're on facebook". Couldn't have said it better myself.

In response to her post, continuing in his love of FB msgs he said:

"Hey I didn't know if it would be OK to write on your wall so I'm sending you a message. I'm glad they didn't have this when I was in college...there would be too many incriminating pictures out there.

Be good!

Love daddy"

So many amazing things in this message. The fact that he know it wouldn't be okay for him to post on her wall. Plus 5. His comment about incriminating pictures. Ew, Minus 5. Be good! Totally expected, and probably necessary. Plus 5.

I, of course, focused in on the fact he could even write on her wall. I instantly wrote her an email to clear things up:

"Can he see your wall???"

"He could but then I changed it."

"Ha, awkward!"

"Yeah well, I didn't realize. Plus a girl had just written on my wall about me baby oil wrestling."

Classic.

MFTF Part III: Mystery Solved

I should probably just dedicate my entire blog to Facebook stories about my dad, but for now I'll just keep you all posted via my new series: My Father the Facebooker.

The latest installment brings some clarity to the confusing situation. I was speaking to my dad on the phone when the following occurred:

Father (out of nowhere, and very innocently): "So, should I friend your boyfriend?"

Me: "Daddy! You said you were never even going to friend me!"

Father: "I'm sorry! I thought it would be intrusive."

Me (confused): "Wait. What?"

Father: "You told me once it would be gross for your parents to friend you. So I'm sorry I didn't, but I wanted to give you your privacy."

Me: "But... you did friend me."

Father: "No. You friended me."

Me: "Trust me. I didn't."

Father: "Oh really? Well your cousin did and then your brother and sister did..."

I can hear my siblings in the background simultaneously yell: "NO WE DIDN'T!"

Father: "Oh? Hmm. I'm confused."

And then, it hit me. Friend Suggestion was the culprit!!! My Paraguayan cousin likes to 'friend suggest' different family members. And to be fair to my father, that is pretty damn confusing. You get a message that says, so and so has suggested them as a friend? Accept, Deny. And you click accept and it sends a request to said friend who is never the wiser on how all of this friending nonsense happened in the first place. So my wonderful, loving father was just trying to remain non-intrusive when Friend Suggestion came along and rocked both of our worlds. I should have known. I was feeling a little guilty at making it so abundantly clear that I did not want to be friends with my dad so I tried to lighten up the convo.

Me: "It's just funny to see your walls. Like with other adults."

Father: "Why? I'm a real person too you know." (Actually, you're my dad. So... no you aren't.)

Awkward pause and then....

Father: "I still haven't friended your sister in college yet."

YES! Saved by my delinquent alcoholic sister! (No offense K.)

Me: "Yeah. I think it's best you don't see her Facebook."

Father: "I agree."

Well, at least that's settled. I also had my father promise to try and keep my mother off Facebook. Bigger miracles have been known to happen.

Addendum: My delinquent alcoholic sister suggested I point out that she has made it on to the Dean's list at Duke more times than I have. (Which is easy since I never did at Penn. But she actually has, multiple times). She said "It would add depth." Depth, meet my blog.

My Father, The Facebooker Part II

I know I've already had a full blown freak out about my father joining Facebook, but I thought I'd update you on his progress, and my panic attack level. 

This is what his Wall looks like. And obviously not the old version of Wall, but the newer, more stalker version that makes sure you are completely up-to-date on every activity taking place in that person's FB life.

Erik wrote: Hey! You forgot to put Married as status. You will be in big trouble when your wife finds out! (True story, my mom is as crazy and jealous as I am. Hey, it had to come from somewhere)

Janet wrote: Surprised to see you here (ha! yeah, you and me both) You have to get your wife on here, it's much easier to keep in touch. (OMFG OMFG OMFG) LOL I just read Erik's comment, get to it FAST! (kill me.. and wait how do adults know what LOL means? Seriously?) 

FATHER is listed as Married.

Comment #1: Congratulations!

Comment #2: Why wasn't I invited? (from my littlest sister)

Comment#3: It's about time you made an honest woman out of her (DUDE! That's MY MOTHER you're talking about!!)

Let me be clear, I love my father. And my mother. My entire family in fact. So hopefully, if one day they stumble upon this, I hope they are not insulted. I mean this all, with complete and total love, devotion, and full blown anxiety.

Daddy's Little Drama Queen

Help. This picture terrifies me. Because, it may look like your standard blank Facebook profile picture, but it isn't. Because, next to this picture is a very, very scary name. Because, I thought this day would never come.

My father has friended me on Facebook.

I've heard of this happening — to friends of mine. But I never, ever, thought it would happen to me. I just thought it happened to everyone else. When Facebook first became open to the wild — or the public, rather — and parents started discovering it, it never crossed my mind that my parents would join. When other friends came to me crying, shrieking in agony that their parents had friended them, I said everything you are supposed to say in this situation: "Oh WOW, that is just so AWFUL, I am SO sorry. You know, there's always limited profile." But secretly, I was grateful that my parents would never subject me to this type of torture.

So today, when I saw that email ... you know the one... "The person who has taken care of you your whole life, who taught you to be mature, well-mannered, thoughtful and most of all DISCREET, who thinks or at least hopes you are all of these things, who treats you like the responsible eldest child you should be, has just added you as a friend." ... when I saw that, I died a little inside. They might as well stamp 'disappointing alcoholic potty-mouthed-slut' on my head and call it a day. Because when I joined Facebook I didn't Daddy-proof it. And my walls go WAY back. And I'm not just talking FB walls. I'm talking those figurative walls you put up in high school when you lie and say you just "had a sip of one beer" and "don't even have a crush on that boy, let alone stay by myself with him in the house," and you keep all the truth locked up inside your evil, evil, sinful daughter head.

Then, I saw we had 3 common friends and I thought to myself: Judas, Judas and Judas! Had my three siblings already accepted him, that effortlessly? Shit! But alas, it was just two of my cousins and a friend of mine — et tu Alana? 

So now, I don't know what to do. Do I accept defeat and limit profile? Do I ignore and feel guilty, like, forever? Do I call him up and say, politely, "Daddy, I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS!?"

I mean, his profile consists of his name, birthday (full, including year), high school and colleges (complete with their graduation dates) and this:

Oh, Daddy dear. I think I'll probably accept, and chide him about it. Gently. But the most terrifying thing is that this could be opening Pandora's Box. This could lead to... and I don't even want to jinx it so I'm knocking on wood but... this could lead to someone else adding me as a friend. 

My mother.

Help.