Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Death by Jenny Craig

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against fat people. Or maybe I do. But that's besides the point. I just really hate it when their life choices start interfering with me. This morning a delivery man kept incorrectly buzzing my apartment from downstairs. After the first buzz I just let him in like I do everyone else since I work from home and the FedEx people have figured this out and won't leave me alone. Then as the buzzing continued I thought it might be doing irreparable damage to my sanity, so after 15 minutes I went to my intercom and asked him who he was looking for. "Lenny Freeman" he said exasperated. "You've got the wrong person." Buzzzzzzz. "I'M NOT LENNY FREEMAN!" "I meant to say Wendy Friedman." "I am neither of those people." "Well I have your diet food delivery!"

Ah, so it was clearly not for me regardless of the name. "Listen, I don't eat diet food nor do I need it, so please stop trying to push it on me. What apartment are you looking for?" He told me the apartment number from downstairs. Ah, that bitch from below finally realized she was fat and ugly and was going to do something about it. "You need to press the button below mine." I calmly told him. Buzzzzzzzzz. I tried to ignore it. Buzzzzzzzz. "STOP IT!!" "Come down here!" Oh yeah right like I was going to come meet that maniac. "LOOK if you can't get this girl her food that is NOT my problem. It's probably her fault she's fat so let her gain weight and just leave it downstairs or eat it yourself but please GO AWAY."

There was silence on the other end. I didn't know if he had been let up and was coming to murder me with his bags of diet food or if he had just left. But the irony of it all was that I had been about to grab lunch and was now scared to leave my apartment. So I had to sit there, starving, and thinking about how I could probably use any kind of food at the moment even diet food. Maybe this is how this program makes you lose weight. They send scary angry men to come yell at you through your intercom until you are too frightened to exit or let anyone in. Probably slims you down faster than South Beach.

1 comment:

Marc said...

Probably means that the fat chick is getting all your junk food. Maybe she was skinny before you started getting all of her deliveries...