Stay Saber

Today is not my day. First of all, I woke up this morning and realized I sent an email yesterday (while I was at happy hour) to a coworker and although my drunken self might have thought it made perfect sense, in reality this is definitely not the case. Actually, I'm fairly positive that last sentence doesn't make sense either. Apologies for my lack of a functioning brain right now. Anyways, I decided that even though I have homework assignments from last week and the week before due today, I REALLY needed to go to Ricky's and get garter belt gun holsters for my Lara Croft costume.

So I go outside and am immediately offended by the bright light shining in my eyes. 'Why the hell is it so bright outside?' I wonder to myself. Yes, I know being hungover makes us a little more sensitive to light but I was actually stunned by my surroundings. And then it hit me — daytime. I had not been outside in the daylight since Sunday. Sunday. I'm not kidding. I realized I had only left my apartment twice this week, once to grocery shop and once to drink, and both times at night. I had been inside so long I didn't understand the concept of the sunlight?

As I laugh at myself I walk by a newsstand and read the headline "'I would make a bad President' Obama says in huge campaign blunder." I am instantly shocked, worried and dismayed simultaneously. 'Why would he say that?' I think to myself. 'Wasn't his 30 minute infomercial taped? Why didn't they edit it out? This is so... bad!' 

I am so upset by this that it takes me a little while before I realize I am reading the headline of The Onion. Wow, yes I know — I even surprise myself sometimes.

So I again, laughed at myself, went to Ricky's and bought my garter belt gun holsters. Left proudly thinking that I saved money by not purchasing the $79.99 Lara Croft costume nor the $69.99 sexy mental patient costume. A little bummed I didn't think of a witty outfit but nonetheless, proud.

I get home, only to have a flashback of talking to my friend last night who had the brilliant idea for my costume this year — a pink slip. I could wear a pink slip and obviously... be a pink slip. It was the PERFECT idea! And of course, I had forgotten all about it. Great.

In conclusion, I leave you with this picture of the message I apparently wrote to myself last night on the fridge:

Wise words, my friends. Wise words.

To slut, or not to slut?

Before we got attacked by a tree branch falling over in the hurricane force winds at Central Park, Cheyenne Jackson told me that Halloween is just an excuse to dress up like a slut. This was after he told me he once dressed up as a slutty boy scout. (Yes, he is an openly gay Broadway star). I in turn, of course quoted Mean Girls (I mean does a better movie even exist? The Original Blair Waldorf, Regina George was in it... hard to cap that) and said "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

And truth is, I fully support dressing slutty. In fact, before I went to my Ivy League college I dressed like a slut on a regular basis, and didn't even realize it. But hey, that's a whole other post about being Floridian which I will get to later.

Anyways, my point is, when does the appropriately slutty Halloween costume stop being appropriate? At what age is it not ok to wear a green bikini top, drape some leaves on yourself and say you are "Poison Ivy?" Or buy a 6-year old's firefighter's jacket wear it with a black bra and stilettos and then drunkenly pose with real firefighters?

I vote next year. When I am 25 (the most terrifying age in the history of the world...until you turn 30) then I will stop pondering whether I should be a sexy mental patient or a sexy referee or Lara Croft (who is, let's face it, just plain sexy).

Then I can concentrate on the "witty Halloween costumes." Like my friend who dressed in a black slip and wrote Freud on it and she was a Freudian slip. Or my "caught red-handed" friend who put a fishnet over his head and painted his hand red. Last year I tried to be witty by buying mouse ears and saying "Duh, I'm a mouse" but really I was Karen from Mean Girls but nobody got that and it fell flat and I found myself wishing I had dressed up as a sexy catwoman again instead. I did dress up as Bud Lite (bud shirt with glowsticks everywhere) and Bud Wiser (budweiser shirt with grey hair, beard and glasses) with the BF the night before though and that got rave reviews.

So yes... next year. You will see me completely appropriately clad.

Well, maybe.

In the spirit of bipartisanship

Sometimes I really wish I could rap. Or had rhythm.

There's something about men in uniform...

Jamie:  umm omg i went to the federal penitentiary

 Jamie:  its kind of like camp actually

Jamie:  not as scary as i imagined

except minus fun

and plus hardened high security criminals

staring at me

through their little cell windows

 Jamie:  there were a few hot ones actually

Procrastination

It should be noted that I am quite the procrastinator. In school I relished the opportunity to put off homework assignments as much as possible. I turned in a final paper from my Fall semester three days before graduating in Spring. I discovered that once I knew a professor would accept a paper late, I could simply go up to that professor on the next assignment, say 'thank you for that extension, did you want it turned in electronically or in paper form?' and although they had never in fact granted me an extension for that assignment, they would simply answer the question rather than admit they had forgotten lengthening the deadline for me.

It is not really something to be proud of though. Because the truth is, I have not perfected it. In order to really reap the benefits of a good procrastination, one must not have that pesky thing called 'guilt' or a 'nagging self-conscious'. Maybe it is because I'm Catholic — although I doubt that — but I end up worrying and constantly thinking about That Which I Did Not Do Yet for much much longer than it takes me to actually do said thing.

So in order to stop feeling so bad about myself, I make lists. And on those lists of things to do, which I have messily scattered about everywhere, I put actual procrastination on there so that I can have something to cross out and feel accomplished. For example in college a list could be:   a) write outline of book b) order dinner c) eat dinner d) REALLY start the outline of book e) take a break and gossip with sorority sisters f) finish outline of book g) watch grey's anatomy h) finish outline of book for real this time.

This way, I have accomplished multiple things to cross off, regardless of what homework I did and the fact that if I was working on the outline the paper was probably due the day before. Okay, okay, the week before.

And here's my point: I have been thinking about doing this blog since February. I have spent months talking about the blog, thinking about the blog, talking to my friends and driving them insane about the blog. I have made lists of blog posts I would write, which are probably outdated at this point. I have walked around internally writing blog posts and wishing I had some magical technology that could just transcribe my thoughts without me having to actually sit and write them. And... to be perfectly honest I walked away from this, got distracted and am now out of the writing zone so...  to be continued...